The Take

Coffee is healthy when black. Slop Score 9.

One ingredient, zero HFCS, pre-1990 staple that sharpens focus without status signaling. Starbucks versions spike the score by adding syrups and oat foam theater.

The Verdict

Drink it black. Pair with raw milk if you must upgrade.

Starbucks and decaf get the side-eye. Buy it. Slop Score 9.

Common Questions

What is in Coffee?

Black: just coffee beans and water. Nothing else.

How many calories are in Coffee?

Black coffee: near zero. Cream or sugar adds the rest.

Why does Starbucks ruin coffee?

Syrups and milk turn fuel into dessert theater.